Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
