Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
