he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
