Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
