This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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