I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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