shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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