hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
