Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
