I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
