bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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