just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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