everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
