She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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