I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
