She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
