I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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