dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
