apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
