and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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