This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
