Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
