I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
