Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Randomize
