sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
