It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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