I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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