I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
