Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
