yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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