i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
