Me too!
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
