false alarm. still invincible.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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