I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
