i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
