And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
