I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
