The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
