It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
as a side note pls kill me
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
