I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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