If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
