Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize