Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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