we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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