i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
