Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
