Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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