If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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