Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Randomize
