I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Randomize
