I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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