Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
