Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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