I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
