the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Never underestimate the power of titties
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize