guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
