Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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