your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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